I have never felt so alone as I am now , a mother.
i enjoy my kids, i love them and i would do anything for them yet i sometimes find myself so exhausted from taking care of them and anticipating all their needs that i feel nothing is left of me anymore. I feel like a spinning top that is in so many places at one time, no pause allowed until the momentum just stops.
never have i felt so many conflicting emotions. never have i questioned my sense of self more.
do not get me wrong, motherhood has its gifts - yet it takes away so much of you. you forget who you are even as you struggle to cling to the you you thought you were. until you cannot recognize yourself anymore, you have been gradually erased from you.
resentment is always there, bubbling just below the surface. i resent that i cannot be free anymore. i cannot just up and leave. it would make me a bad mother to think of my needs first. i have to take care of everyone and no one takes care of me. i don't even feel the appreciation i so much crave, an affirmation that i badly need.
i wish i could stop and recharge, but who will take care of my babies? no one can look after them and take care of them the way i do, not even their father who has the innate ability to just remain oblivious.
Sometimes i just envy him, his ability to focus on his work, his passions, his carefree spirit. how he can separate himself from the worries about the kids and their day to day care. he arrives at home from work and he plops in front of the tv, tired and stressed from his job and needing to find relaxation. he cannot be bothered. he doesn't notice that the bottle has been dislodged from the baby's mouth and that Athena is now quietly playing with water while standing on a stool and is about to topple over. while i sit there, pumping my breasts for the nth time while noticing every little detail around the house and what the kids are up to. while his mind is busy with his new website, sitting in front of the computer after a day at work, he even asks me for the right terms to use, while i, so harried by the day's activities sits there, while i express milk, thinking of the baon that i would have him eat and the fact that Athena still hasn't moved her bowels.
